After being dragged back from the brink of death by the charming but moody stalker Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) after a particularly nasty but cinematically dull and overacted childbirth, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) begins her new unlife as a sparkling, snigger-inducing vampire, and mother to her ridiculously named daughter, Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy). But, when Denali coven member Irina (Maggie Grace) misidentifies the rapidly growing Renismee as a dhampir, a human infant who has been bitten and transformed into a vampire, she decides to bring a much needed bit of excitement to the saga, and snitches to the Volturi, a band of more hilarious than scary vampire lords from Italy.
The Volturi throw a bit of a hissy fit over the Cullen’s apparent betrayal and set out to destroy them. In a desperate bid to survive Edward, Bella, Alice (Ashley Greene), Rosalie (Nikki Reed), Emmett (Kellan Lutz), Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) and Esme (Elizabeth Reaser) call upon foreign vampires and nomads to stand with them in one last laughably choreographed fight.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT?
Our synopsis of this, thankfully, final Twilight film may have been a little too full of contempt for some, but really, after suffering a few years of crap films, badly written books and undeservedly gained publicity mirrored only by the nightmare that was Fifty Shades Of Grey, we’ve had enough.
Stephanie Meyer’s blindly written books have earnt her millions, and these films have all been lapped up by her fans. But the rest of us know better.
These twi-hards, or twunts as we call them, will love Breaking Dawn Part Two. The paper-thin plot, awful acting and shaky (literally) editing will delight and entertain them, but the rest of us have brains, and would sooner drink our own urine.
See it, but only to shout abuse at the screen.